To clear the air a bit

I don’t know why I’m doing this I don’t have time for this I was supposed to move on to forget you and what have I been doing lately looking at your pictures on Facebook scanning your tumblr for the rants I knew you’d put up to see how your doing I’m happy for you that your moving on or trying to I guess, but I just don’t understand how you can be happy for me… You should hate me it sounds awful to say but its true I’ve heard what you’ve been told and after the way I left I don’t blame you for believing the lies I mean what reason would you have to trust a fool like me someone who’s caused you so much pain, but I never cheated on you I would’ve never done such a low thing to you not when we used to be so happy… Happy… I almost forget what that feels like and after reading the latest rant well what’s there to say I could tell you how I’m trying to live the dream but my last won’t let me how other than Kinsley I’m just trying to be something I’m not just to get away from the reality that I caused my own loneliness, how emotionless I’ve tried to make myself because I’d rather feel nothing at all then deal with another day of wallowing in my own self pity and misery, I could go on to say how long I’ve been staring at your rants even though I’ve got more heavy duty work at 6am and how upset with myself I am that because of me you started smoking and then there’s the Sunday I took the last piece of innocence away from you and how I should’ve known how you felt how I should’ve stopped but I didnt… I just couldn’t stop… I could spill all of that out to you and scream at the top of my lungs that deep down it was the same thing over again that I got scared that I was scared I couldn’t take care of you that I couldn’t possibly give you what you needed and that my anger, god the fucking anger, that I’d hurt you I thought it’d be better to scar you now than to wound you for the rest of your life… I could go on about how I think they finally did it how the darkness in my heads finally taking over control and how I feel like I’m loosing myself bit by bit everyday becoming less of the man I should be and more like some kind of cold hearted logical machine… But what good would that do… You’ll probably never read this anyway………………. But if you do I could never forget you I could never forget you like some song or a material possession you were to good to me for that especially when I was so heartless… I’m so tired of saying I’m sorry… But I’m sorry is all I have left… I’m so sorry Sam